Wake Up

For a year, I sat and doom scrolled myself into oblivion. I had quit my job because I was starting to have health issues that I was too young to have. It was the stress of the job, a job where I surely did not make enough to pay for said health issues. The first red flag I actually listened to. The truth of the matter was I had been running myself into the ground for a few years at that point. Going to college, working too many jobs or hours or both. My body was signaling it was done and I, without really considering the full repercussions, quit my job. I didn't have another lined up. Instead I told myself I would start looking for a job after a month. That I was in my last semester of college and wanted to finish strong. A month came and went, two months went by then all the sudden it was a year later and I was still a stay at home wife, done with college with no clue what I wanted.

My husband had became our sole earner, and with that came far too many opinions. The most hurtful came from family. Where I had once been the "golden" child I was suddenly judged hard by family members I really looked up to. The opinions hit me hard, but what hit the hardest and what I wasn't expecting was my complete downward spiral without a job. I had prided myself for being a hard worker the past few years, having a cool job in a start-up, paying for most of my expenses. So when it all stopped, when I had nothing to provide but myself - I hid. I played video games, I tried some new hobbies (and promptly stopped), I tried to play it up that I was a good stay-at-home wife. The fact I was grappling with is I felt utterly worthless. I was providing no income support, I had no job that I could talk about. I was confronted with myself without any distractions for the first time. At first I told myself I was resting, recovering. Days spent in bed, doing nothing, watching Tiktok for hours. Whatever I could do to distract me from my thoughts, but eventually I had to confront them.

I don't think I am alone in this. Too tired to go out with others, finding solace in social media, or through online sources, numbing or distracting ourselves, rinse and repeat. Anything to avoid confronting those deep parts of ourselves and the world we are living in. Our generation is living in a world that has technologically advanced rapidly and continues to do so. Half the time it is hard to decipher what is real, so why try? Then we have all the world events that are happening at lightspeed. It is no secret our generation suffers with depression at astronomical rates. Living a life we hate and believing there is either no point in changing it or that we can't change it. I feel this so deeply. So what is there to do then? Accept our fate? I think not.

We can change our lives. We just have to wake up from this slumber we have put ourselves in. Yes, there are a million reasons not to: our world is crazy, have to work to afford bills, I have people who depend on me. Not that these reasons are illegitimate, they are. Yet despite all of the reasons we can come up with, don't we want something more for our lives? I believe media has done a great job making us believe we must accept our circumstances as the best it will get. Well I believe that is false. I believe we can achieve a life we love. Yes it will be hard and scary, but honestly? I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I am changing my life, one unsteady step at a time.

Hey, I am glad you are here!

If you are wanting to watch my journey live, feel free to come chat (or lurk) on Twitch.

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